Thursday, August 26, 2010


The last couple of days have just been full of ****. I've had to take **** from people I'm working with, people offering services! Almost everything. Organizing this orientation programme is proving too ****y than it's worth. It's like the universe is trying to mess stuff up, but in Jesus name, none of this is going to spoil the day.
I have so many reasons to be upset. And to some extent I think In am, but at least I'm not constantly frowning or anything. I just have episodes of loud talking to myself and loss of appetite. Nothing pathological yet

But good news is I've decided I want to specialize in radiology. So I have to take my anatomy and pathology really well over the time I have before looking for residency. That I know is going to be a long period of ****.

I think the reason why I don't do so well in history taking especially in psychiatry is the language barrier. I think that's why I don't like being in school here period. That's why I don't want to be a doctor here, much less in my hometown.

I'm tired and I'm talking rubbish mostly right now, so I'll just stop here.

It's been long since I blogged I know. I write about all that's gone on in my life later. Right now I need a way to relieve myself of this ****y stress.


Friday, July 16, 2010


How often do you feel this way, that you're in the middle of this sea, with only your head above the water, and all you can see around is water. You just don't know which direction to swim in, as in which way is closest to land. You're just floating there. Waiting for some divine direction as the water gets colder and colder and the sun doesn't seem to want to wait for you. That's how I feel right now. I'm so confused and don't know what to do.

I had the most disgustingly terrible, horrific dream of myself doing such terrible things! I hate it, and the picture can't seem to get out of my mind.
How did that happen. I feel so disgusted right now.
I wish I could escape from myself, my memories and my thoughts.
I have loads of decisions to make daily, about what I should do and say in the face of situations, but I don't know what to do.
It's still difficult for me to pray, and have a "spiritual" experience.
I feel like I need something new in my life, because it feels so stale. But I can't decide what.

Don't be bothered if I'm not making any sense. It's not you, it's me. I'm sort of confused right now. And no one knows. I'm good at acting like things going on don't affect my mood.
I'm upset.
I know God will give me the strength to get through this somehow. Because I prayed that he should.

All I know now is that I love God and want to please him with everything I do, but I'm not sure I have the capacity to do it.

I feel weak.

BUT HEY! Tomorrow's my birthday! Maybe I'll get all my prayers answered at midnight!
Here's ,e hoping for the best.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010


I had the strangest feeling just the other day. I feel like I still have it. An eerie, bland feeling that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. Very very weird. It’s actually hard to describe. I feel like something significantly romantic is on the verge of happening in my life, and I can’t quite place my finger on it.
Maybe it’s because I’m nervous and anxious about my upcoming birthday. My biological clock and all. My stories I make up in my head don’t make it any easier on my sub-conscious. That’s the most logical thing right? I know, but somehow I just have this feeling that I think has a chance of coming true. And some part of me deep inside wishes it comes true.
The logical and right side of me tells me that nothing’s going to happen, and my life is going to continue on this boring streak. But the movie I watched yesterday, (Other End of the Line) is appealing to my imaginative side, which makes me feel like dreams and funny ideas, like the ones I’ve been having can come true.
I should grab a hold on reality and say to myself “listen to the voice of reason.”
God help me be strong enough, to stay real!
I really should get back to studying.

Thursday, July 1, 2010


I've been having some really weird dreams. I think they're depicting the end tim. But sometimes I just think it's my overactive imagination. Yesterday I dreamt that some person called a meeting for all the university students to tell them of his plans to rule the world and then later a lady I knew also called another meeting in campus, and I woudn't have gone if a friend of mine hadn't called me and made it sound like she was in trouble. And when I went there, then I got in trouble.
Today I was around my primary school area, walking home when a strange man was holding a gun threatening to shoot. He didn't look sane. I was trying to run away when he appeared to almost see me.

I hate these terrible nightmares. I just want my life back. Or someone to help me get on track. Because I really want to make it with God and end up in heaven with him.

Dear Jesus please help me lead a Holy life worthy of your name which you have given me and keep me from having these horrid dreams, no matter what they mean. In Jesus' name I pray!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010


I was hit by a wave of reality just yesterday. I was asking my dad for money, yeah I know, almost 23 and stay living off my parents. But I can't help it I'm in full time med school. I really wish I could get a job though, because I hate to have this lecture where my dad tells me how he struggled and worked hard to put himself and his siblings through school.

I realized how important becoming a doctor is to my dad, and my whole family. I've been dreaming about following my dream and doing that which I love and I just realized it was all not possible. They're depending on me to make it in life and not depend on anybody (most especially not a man). So I guess that's what I have to do. I never thought I would be one to work hard and all for someone else not to suffer what I'm suffering. But I guess that's what it has come to. I can only hope to make my kids have the opportunity to go to any school in the world to pursure whatever they want to do, be it dancing or acting or anything else. I don't have that opportunity. I don't see it in the future, so I guess I should just come to terms with it.

Another thing I've just realised, is that I'm a good dreamer. I can really think up stuff. It's just I've been believing too many fantasy stuff. Like true love and romance. NOT REAL. People always end up marrying people they'd just be comfortable with and can manage with. Not someone who makes their heart race everytime they come near. It's a very nice dream but that's all it is. It doesn't exist. We might as well have marriages arranged as in the olden days.

Real romantic love, doesn't exist. It's an illusion. Very beautiful, though, but still an illusion. A mirage that you falsely see ahead, but when you get there, it's just the same dark road you've been treading all along. Two couple I knew, were together for a long time, there was no doubt they'd get married soon after school. Well guess what? That love and romace wasn't enough. They broke up! One guy's getting married over the week-end to some girl in his church whom he works with. (In other words familiarity and onvenience) not romance that conquers all odds. And people only stay in marriages because they don't want to mess up the heads of the kids or that they just don't have time to go through the process of divorce, or are afraid of the stigma. It's not love!

I think that's why the divorce rate is so high in america. I think, if people stop looking for that illusion of love, and just make do with what they have as a marriage the divorce rate will drastically fall.

But the point is we as humans are drawn more to shunning this abismal truth and living in a world of wishful thinking where dreams come true (but the whole point is that they don't unless you're really rich or can get to someone who is). Everybody wants to be happy, even if it means believing a lie.

Right now I find myself agreeing with the saying that ignorance is bliss. Because the ugly truth all expectations of certain things from life. I was much happier believing someday I would find true love and get married to it. Now, I don't even like the idea of marriage because I don't believe that falling in love is real, or lasts long or can overcome the obstacles that everyday life brings you. It's sad and upsetting, but I know I'd better face reallity now before it slaps me in my face as I fall down a cliff.


I went for a wedding over the week-end. Travelled out of town. And guess who I met? My almost ex. He's my almost ex because I never agreed to be his girlfriend. But I almost did.
Let me tell you the story. I wanted a certain book, and I didn't know where I could buy a copy, and my really tight friend tells me she know a guy who could get me one. So we go for this prayer conference thing and funny enough he brings the book to my friend who is there with me, without me even noticing. So when I get the book from my friend the programme is over and he's gone, so I take his number to call and say thanks. Next thing you know, he calls me and we start this phone relationship. We used to talk almost every single day. He had this prayer meeting he would go to at church late in the night, so we would talk till it was time. I must say, I really enjoyed those conversations.
Next we arranged a meeting, I went over to his place. Well he sounded good on the phone, but physically, he was no Pierce Brosnan. He wasn't looking or anything, it's just that he wasn't what I expected. Of course I knew I could get over that quickly and I did. Our phone relationship continued. I didn't know at the time how deep we were getting in, but I thought we were just friends. Then the conversations began getting a bit intimate, he was telling me stuff I wasn't sure I wanted to hear. Don't get too naughty in your thoughts, it was nothing obscene. He was just starting to say he saw a future with me, and even mentioned marriage. Not asking me to marry him of course, we were obviously too young for that. But he was just getting weird on me. Then he did the unthinkable. He declared his love for me.

Of course I said nothing in reply except that I wasn't interested. Anyway, I decided not to call him again after that. That's when I realized, I didn't really want to be in a relationship with him anyway, because I was doing all the work. I was calling him almost everyday. I was the one always going forward. When I stopped, he never called me back. If he had been more persistent I might probably have given in along the line. But the thing is he didn't. I was just the nice "convenient" girl he had a lot in common with. I did all the work! That's when I decided I would never do all the work in any relationship.

But he did call me once some months after, but my phone was lost in my bag and by the time I could find it, the call had ended. I waited for him to call back, but he didn't. And that's how it ended. Until I saw him at the wedding on Saturday.

This happened over four years ago, and I didn't know how to handle it at first. My decision at first was to avoid him. But that seemed stupid, because we had so many friends in common. The the moment came, and we were face to face in a circle of friends who hadn't seen each other in ages, hugs were going round. For a moment I contemplated being formal with him and shaking hands. But before I knew it, I hugged him, just like my other friends. He looked surprised, but then, so was I. It felt kind of wierd at first, but then I just acclamatised. I was glad I was looking really pretty at the wedding, and I wished then I had a boyfriend to show off.
All in all, we did a little catching up, before he had to rush home, because of some emergency. I was glad he was going away.

Looking in retrospect, I wonder what I was thinking when I actually considered him. Because, he had really not changed much, and he was irritating and childish. I don't think I a relationship with him would have survived anyway, even if I hadn't been doing all the work.

Anyways, After him I made a promise to myself to never make myself easy for any guy. If you liked me you'd have to work because I'm not ready to do any of it. Not until I have enough proof from you that you'd do the work. If ever I'm the first to call, then it's over before it even began. And if that probably puts me off the market, I have no problem with that. I'm not desparate. I think I've managed quite well without a boyfriend so far.

Monday, June 14, 2010


This is a person I am just discovering myself.
There's so much I want, and wanted to be. I am now finding out who I really am, and the stuff I really like.
First is music. I love JAZZ, not really the modern instrumental stuff or the saxophone business, not really my style. I prefer "the blues" those slow songs with that unique jazz rhythm. I think I would be really good at that. I feel more connected to music before my years, like between the 60's and early 80's. The rock'n'roll. I love those oldies so much, it's surprising. And I thought I didn't like slow love songs! I actually didn't want to, because of what they represented and the things the people who sang them stood for. But for once and only now will I admit the fact; I love the soft rhythm of the blues.

Here's something I always knew though; I love rock music. Not hard rock, or really loud rock, cuz I'm a quiet person who doesn't really like noise. But when I get crazy, and I mean REALLY CRRAAAAAZY, I do enjoy Hillsong (Take it All, is rock right?) Well that's also what I do like.

Another thing is that I'm actually a softy. Yeah, I like soft, sweet romantic stories. I wish I wasn't. I wish I just liked action movies like my brother. But my favourite movies, I hate to admit, are romantic comedies. I don't actually like watching them because they distort the meaning of real love to mean you have to have sex. And all these movies condone pre-marital sex, which I'm against.

My favourite movie of all time, for now, is FIREPROOF. I tell my friends it's all about the technicalities and stuff, but it's really because I like the story, and the guy gets the girl in the end. Another favourite is IF ONLY, I think it's a classic. I would never admit it in public or recommend it to anyone. It's the sweetest story ever, except that the guy dies in the end. Last I would mention is JUST LIKE HEAVEN. All these three movies I have watched more than twice, a whole lot more...

Next thing about myself is that I'm like other girls. Although I wish I were a tom-boy. I try my best, but on the inside I'm the same and I react the same. I was for a while obsessed about relationship's and marriage. Yes me! The girl who's always saying she doesn't want to get married( I actually really really really want it). A friend told me it's probably my biological clock. I must agree with that! It's the best excuse yet. A force of nature I can't control.

What else is there to say; I'm a silly girl waiting for some prince charming to pop out of nowhere and make my dreams (by that I mean day dreams) come true. Did I just admit I have daydreams about this? I wish I was the independent, I don't need a man kind of girl but I'm not.

Ah Well, that's who I am.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010


At first I used to have dreams for myself. I don't think I have them anymore. One so many tragedies and bad stuff happen to you over a period of time, you loose the zeal with which you look forward to tomorrow. It's so hard sometimes, well most of the time.
Now the dreams I had seem impossible.
At first all I wanted to do was go to this internationally acclaimed film school, I wanted to be a writer/director, but look at me now. I don't think that would ever happen. It kills me to look into the future and not see that happening for me, but I'm so numb now that it doesn't really hurt much. I'm not really that sad about it, I just have no feeling, and that's what kills me.
I feel like my personality has changed, I'm no more the person I was when I was eighteen. But honestly, I don't want to be the person I am now, I wish I could turn back time and make some changes. I just didn't have the knowledge then of what I know now.

Bottom line is, right now I don't like me. And it freaks me out that I'll be 23 soon. I don't want to grow older.

My advice, find out the most you can about whatever you want to do in life, and choose the most realistic options. Never despise small beginnings, just start on a journey to follow your dreams, that the most important thing. Otherwise, you'll never be able to look into the future with joy.

Oh yeah, God plays a role in all this. But I personally believe that God just allows things to happen and controls everything so that everything happening in the world is exactly the way he want it. I believe a man's destiny is in his own hands with the decisions and choices he makes. So don't ever make a mistake in choosing your a professional course of study because it seems like the option that would make everyone but yourself happy.

No matter what people say, most of who you are is defined by the job you do for the rest of your life, don't waste years studying something you don't really love, it will just kill you all the way through and end up being a waste of time and money, that's if your brave and confident enough to follow your dreams after that. Otherwise you'd end up like me, not wanting to grow up or look into the future.

Friday, June 4, 2010


When the clouds are clear,
And a rainbow fills the air,
It's a kiss from nature.

When the stars shine bright
And mummy sings a lullaby,
Expect a kiss from her

A declaration of love,
In a letter from afar,
Is a kiss in the mail

But our daily breaths of air
And the consistency of every sunrise
Is a kiss from God, everyday
Reminding us that we are loved, everyone.

Thursday, June 3, 2010


I realized just now that people, most people at that, have questions for God. I myself have difficult questions for God. Not difficult in that God would find it in some way hard to give me an answer (that's absolutely ridiculous). They're difficult in a sense that they are things that we've been struggling with that cause us so much pain and we're actually scared to hear the answer. (There's a chance it's just what we don't want to hear.)

God sometimes he's mysterious, but other times he's plain and clear. But I think we're often so confused looking at the many things in this world we can't tell the difference. I also believe that there are some answers we'd never understand. It's like trying to explain some complex law in physics, say something about the flow of current or something like that to a two year old. Because God is really big (and we are what we are) it is highly possible that his level of intelligence surpasses ours.

Sometimes I think, if he's so smart, he could think up a way to simplify things for us right. Because I don't understand why I'm going through the stuff I'm going through and I wish he would just explain it to me so that I would be comforted by the fact that its really worth the trouble or just to know that there is a purpose for going through all this in my life and its not just a punishment for something I've done.

I'd really like to ask my fair share of questions to God, but I just want to be sure I'll get the answers I want and quickly.

That's all I have to say on this issue.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010


There are times when everything seems very difficult and I mean really difficult. I had a few myself. How did I handle it. Not too well if you ask me. I avoided talking to people. I think it helped. I just wish I had a friend who would look for me when I'm hiding myself and pray with me, encourage me.
But no, my loneliest times have been my times of greatest anxiety, pain and fear.
But even in those times, I managed to get through. I could actually get physically ill from depression and not be able to get out of bed. But somehow in the morning, I feel better.

I don't know how other people get through times so terrible there seems no solution. When shame and embarrassment weigh you down so much you can't show your face. Or when anger is so great you are capable of hurting people around or even when the hurting is so great that you can't stand the sight of other human beings. I've had all these felings together at one time.
I know what got me through were my short conversations with God, when I told him how I felt and that I didn't think I could make it through.
The healing process was slow and all, but I'm thankful I have someone who wouldn't judge me, or be angry with me or offend me, but would only help to give me solutions to all my problems, one at a time. It's hard for me though, but I guess I'll be just fine.

Even in the worst of times, I still have a hope, never mind how small it is, the important thing is that it still exists, and I know that some time in the near future, all this pain will be gone.

Friday, May 28, 2010


Sometimes, like today , I just wonder about the fact that there are so many people in this world. So many different cultures, ways of life, belief, etc. And we all came from one man, Adam. How can people who started from the same family have ended up so different, not only in looks but in patterns of thought and standards of morality.
I watched a movie the other day and this man was talking freely with his about 6yr old son about sex, and I don't mean sex education.
There are so may differences!
Well that's just what I needed!
I don't have to be the same as my mother, or do the things she does, the way she does!
I want to be or let me say I already am one of the many billion people in the world who believes differently and acts differently and its okay.

Well I'm not always to sure of that.

I am a strong believer in individuality, but I can't helo but think there are some individual ways of life that may not just be according to the will of God. How do you know the will of God.

It's a question I once knew the answer to, I pray I discover it again.

Friday, May 7, 2010


Yeah, isn't that great, I passed my exxam, with good grades too!
Yesterday, I honestly wasn't sure what to expect. I was feeling so left out among my classmates. That's because I now almost all of them have no idea how it feels to be expecting to pass only to realize your name isn't on the exam result list (in other words you failed the exam) Well it's happened to me twice. Not a good experience.
So when this year I was having so much trouble, I knew I probably wouldn't make it. At least it was a possibility. I had subconsciously prepared myself for the worst. But thank God I didn't have to go through that experience.

I don't want to say I didn't trust God, because somewhere inside me I was really afraid. But the funny thing is I kept saying I trusted him even though I didn't really feel it.

With all the difficulties I was going through, finding it difficult to study and even to remember what I had studied, I had been praying that God would give me just a pass (which is 50.0% here in medschool)But apparently I was in the 60's. Isn't that great.

I'm really greatful to God for everything though. I don't exactly know how I feel though.

I don't feel relieved as it a part of me expected to pass. I just feel numb... and greatful. For the first time in a while I am not burdened with the pain of having to go through this again, and can safe;y without tears call home and tell them my exam results. The accusations from the ones you love when you fail in an exam are the most hurful things in the world.

I just thank God for everything!

But I'll keep a promise I made to him, to be there for those who weren't as fortunate to have totally good news. To help them to study and pass in the re-sit.

God is truly Good...

Thursday, May 6, 2010


Really there is. It's now so difficult to find a decent movie to watch. I mean one without nudity portraying the view that premarital sex, promiscuity and smoking pot is normal and socially accepted. I watched three movies yesterday, (Actually about 2 and a third) I fell asleep in the third movie.
My point, there is now almost no movie that respects and honours virginity and purity. If you don't do it often, then you're a prude? Where did that come from?

I mean, since when did having sex become a primary need of of the human race. Well to some extent for procreation, yes it is needed or else we'd go extinct. But seriously, for an individual, why does it have to be a must for you to do it at least once a month. That's the new healthy! Since when?

I'd like to say, it has not been scientifically proven that it is in fact that important. Eating, drinking and breathing are important. Having a social life ( a healthy one that is)with friends and family are important for a healthy and fulfilled life. But sex, isn't. It's only healthy in a marriage. No Where Else!
That's the only place where the once a month rule thing works. But your physical body isn't what needs it, it's actually an emotional thing.

It just sucks now that the beauty in that union of a man and his wife is lost and now what is glamorous is when it's outside marriage and the person doesn't have to live with you. Come on, now adultery is fun and exciting.

All I have to say is BEWARE WHAT THIS WORLD PUTS FORWARD AS FUN AND EXCITING. They are usually all lies and have bad consequences, both physically and psychologically (emotionally). But really all these things do are mess with your head because deep inside you always know that although it feels good when you're doing it, it feels wrong after you've done it.


The long traumatic exam

I know it's been a while, but between studing for my very very hard exams and my crazy bouts of psychological instability, it's been vey difficult finding time to sit up and write anything. But thank God I'm here now and it's all behind me.
Well not exactly!
Although I believe by now my faith has been decided it's not over until I see my results on the notice board tomorrow.
Actually that was figurative. I actually don't really have the guts right now to go stand in front of the crowded notice board to check for my name. I had this bad experience once, and it's made me loose all desire to ever be there, especially when there are a lot of people around. I'll have a friend check it for me.

I pray I do well.

I've really been battered emotionally and psychologically in the past few months, with everyone I know as a friend letting me down at one point or another. I really had a hard time and I think it has affected who I am.

I really think it has affected my relationship with God because I feel really distant. I don't want to be, but somehow, I've come so far without realizing it and I don't know how I can fix it.

I think about where I was with God almost three years ago and I've lost most of it. All I have left is this part of my heart that doesn't want to give up, but still desperately wants to love God and live for God. My prayer and bible study life, well, I'm not so happy with. I often feel I really need help, or I need to get out of here and meet new people and make new friends who would be concerned about what I'm going through enough to help me to get back on my feet.

Until then, or until God does something totally wonderful and supernaturally brings me back up, I'm not the happiest person in the world.

Please pray for me, whoever you are reading this long and boring blog.


Monday, April 19, 2010


When a writer has ran completely out of ideas when trying to create a fictional story, it's called a writers block. Well please permit me to name a case where a student just can't seem to study a student's block.
I hate it when it happens. There just some times of day that the ability to study much has just left, and other times when the ability just rises. For a long time I have been having more or the latter. It's terrifying, especially in a place like med school where you'll be tested on everything, and everything is so much more than you could have ever imagined.

I guessed it was because I was suffering from depression, but its in the past now, I've been very okay for a while now. Things don't seem to get me down so much.

I have so much to say about my experiences during this exam period, but the fact is I'm swamped with stuff to study. My next papers are on Thursday and Friday, and already I seem to have run out of time, I don't even know where to start studying from. I onlu pray God helps me and guides me in all my learning.

So what do I do with this student's block?

I don't know. If you have a solution please let me know.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Short note

Just felt like shouting out: I LOVE YOU GOD!!!! and I LOVE YOU JESUS!!!!
I'm just grateful for my life right now, even in this time of exams. Yeah I've too busy studying I don't get to come her to write, but still I love you!

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Taking a chance

I once heard, well not once but quite a number of times (especially in the past few days) that the things we regret most in life are the chances we never took. So I decided to take a chance. Stupid though but when I did, it’s like everything in the universe just stood out of my way for me to do what I wanted. I had a test I had never even studied for, and instead of staying in school, I decided I wanted to go home for the weekend, without my laptop, and settle a family issue. Just the day I was leaving the test as cancelled. Imagine that, the universe was just getting out of my way.
I know right now that, it seems I am far from my goal but somehow, I believe yet a gain the universe will stand aside for me. I believe with utmost surety that By the grace Jesus gives I would have done well what I came to do. I know everything is going to work out fine.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010


That's what I'm feeling right now. I'm so mad at the way some forces are treating me. Why are so many things going wrong. But I knowone thing that's going right for me, I have Jesus on my side, so in the end I'll turn up as the winner.
My only consolation!
I desperately feel like saying so many bad words and insulting so many people. But I won't... I'll just rest in Jesus to calm me down.

Monday, March 29, 2010

This is the day that the Lord has made.

I have made a pact with myself that no matter how crappy a day goes, I will always something good, you know, see the best in every situation...
Yeah right. That's a lie. I just decided not to write about how bad my day has been!
Can you imagine this nice man, a very nice man indeed. My urology consultant, after I gave him my log book to sign me out for my rotation with him, he left it somewhere in the very ward where I gave it to him. The Pediatric surgery ward. Let me show you how it went.

Act1 Scene 1
There I am clerking a confused little boy trying to figure out how long he's been on admission in the hospital, frustrated by incongruent statements and Anthony walks up to me.
Anthony: Did you intentionally leave your log book by a patient's bed?
Me: What? (Confused at the sight of my log book in his hand, wet in the front)
Anthony: Your log book, it was by this kid's bed, and he peed on it. (He handed over the book to me)

With disgust in my expression I took the book by the corner and began to peel of the paper I had used to cover it.

End of Scene 1

I mean can you imagine that! Pee! On my log book! After I handed it to the man some 15mins before.

Next thing he comes up to me asks why I didn't return the projector to the office after the class. HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW I HAD TO RETURN IT WHEN NOBODY TOLD ME! I'm not the one who went for it! Now it's my fault? GIVE ME A BREAK MAN!

Next they say the case I'm clerking isn't my current consultant's case, so I find someone else's and join in, along with 3 others. Then this man (my new consultant) comes in and says 2 to a case, just when we were almost done.
And because we were so many and his patients were few, we ended clerking another case which wasn't my consultant's case!
Imagine that! And all this happened just before 1pm. I'm tired, my back is aching and I have to be back for a lecture with this man at 2. And I have to be early because we are so many above 60 and there are about 40'ish seats in the whole place.

Having considered all these, I would still say this is the day that the Lord has made, and I will rejoice and be glad in it. At least the sun is shining and I'm not "sick", so yeah it's still a good day, and it's only going to get better.
I hope I can still make it to church tonight though.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Message to Jacks

Here's hoping Clovers in a bramble will notice this.
I really wanted to post a comment, but I didn't find any such option so this is how I get to say what I want to say.
So often I let things I feel go unsaid, well not today.

I read your Feb. 11 blog, and I really identify with that. It's like you desperately want to have that close relation ship with someone, but it just doesn't happen. Life can feel so lonely sometimes with noone to share stuff with. I know, I'm living that life. (That's partly why I started this blog, in secret hope of making new friend).
One thing I do is find different people to tell different stuff to. I don't put all my eggs in one basket!
You don't necessarily need one best friend, well you just need a few friends who really care about you and can be there for you when you need them.

And more important than having a friend is being a friend, and giving what you wished was given to you. That's what I do. Maybe it doesn't always work or make me feel better. Believe me I have loads of issues about myself and relationships, but that's a topic for another blog.

Just wanted to say if what you said about yourself in that blog is really true then you're a really cool guy, a person I'd like to know and none of the bad names you named. But staying close to Jesus is really how you can overcome these feelings, it's not always easy, but going to Jesus always works. And some things take time to be fixed, so don't give up on yourself, on true love and on people. Because that's what God uses to get us out of these horrible ruts we seem to find ourselves in...

What a couple of days!

You wouldn't believe what I just went through in the past couple of days with that I mean yesterday and today though.
I had to finish some mega assignment (11page essay) of and another one (4pages) work in one night. And can you imagine when I started working? Yesterday at about 5pm. Yes, and I had to turn the first one into a power point presentation when I was done.
It actually felt good to work so hard. I mean I stayed up till 4am and still wasn't finished by then.
The good thing for me was that the first lecture of the day was cancelled. (could you believe we had been waiting for the lecturer in class for about 15 mins only to call him and find out that he was out of town). I don't even think he knew he was to teach today. Anyway so I used the opportunity to finish what was left of my work and google for some more pictures to add to my power point prez. before printing everything out.

Phew! I was already tired by the time I got there. Did I mention I had to run the presentation through with a friend and borrow a laptop and go to my room twice (the first time I forgot my key at the internet cafe).
At least I was only ten minutes late, but lucky for me my consultant was busy talking to some other people, and we had to wait about thirty minutes.

After all said and done, I think my presentation was a blast!
Not in the good sense of the word though. I couldn't answer questions well. I was so nervous, I couldn't even read from my own slides, everything I said was from my head. And Lastly I think I was very very very boring! The consultant was dozing off. And my audience didn't seem appreciative.

I am just now slowly realizing I have a confidence issue, that I have to deal with, but it won't be easy.

At least I had something to present, and I learnt a lot from it all. And most of all its all over now and I can enjoy a couple of hours of afternoon sleep.

Sweet Dreams dear [Yawning]

Monday, March 22, 2010

Oh God! It's soooo.. dry!

I just can't believe this. The rainy season's supposed to be longer than the dry season. Here in sub-Saharan West Africa that's just the way it is, or is supposed to be!
So here's the story. We're in the middle of the rainy season, it's like raining everyday then all of a sudden yesterday, the air was very dusty, dry and cold. I didn't think much of it, I thought maybe someone was just doing some cleaning around my room and the dust was just traveling far. Then I woke up this morning, (well I actually notice it after class at about 10 am) and what do I see outside my balcony. Just guess. This hazy dusty mist of whitish air. A typical harmattan morning seen, as if we were in the middle of the dry season. Imagine that!
And it had rained just a couple of days ago.
Are the forces of nature now against me, just because I said I loved the rain on Friday?
I just can't believe this, but at least we're not having acid rain.

This global warming thing is really changing the weather pattern, and I'm afraid to think of how things would be if the weather gets worse. Because it seems nowadays like if it's not unbearably hot then it's unbearably dry. I don't know how we can fix it, but if we don't try doing something about it now (that is if it isn't too late already) the next thing we'll realize is that the whole earth will be covered with water from the melting peaks of the arctic areas of the earth (THE END OF THE WORLD).

Just Another Why Question.

Have you ever had one of those times where you had a job or something to do and you knew, like you just had that in-depth feeling right your very soul that it's going to turn out great. It's like for some unknown reason you just have this great confidence that you'll make it and the results are going to far outweigh anyone's expectations of you including yourself. It sort of raises your expectaions, like something extraordinary is going to happen and just then poof, the moment you do it it's either normal or worse.

Why does that happen anyway? I don't get it. Is it that something extraordinary was really going to happen and I messed it up at the last minute or was that just me deluding myself.

I was going to sing at fellowship meeting yesterday and I thought it was going to be really something, I really did. In fact I was so convinced I could have bet all the money I had on me that it would. (Maybe not all my money, I would have set aside what I was going to give as offering and to buy my supper)
Anyway, the moment came and well it was just normal. Well I can't really tell about how it affected the people before whom I sang but for me it was just normal, I didn't feel anything. And I didn't get any comments about it anyway.

If I hadn't felt so great about it in the first place I would have been elated by now, because I haven't done that before and I should have been pre-occupied with just getting through it without any mistakes which I did.

Ah well, I still like to think there was maybe something I did that didn't let things go the way it was supposed to but I just can't get a hold of it. I like to believe I'm an extraordinary person with great things to do in this life, but it tends to happen too often, especially with things I feel I'm naturally good at, when I eventually do them, well... the results are never as good as I think and sometimes even very bad.
Hey, maybe my real natural talent is having this overactive imagination. But dear God! I really hope not!

Friday, March 19, 2010

Healing Rain.

I think there should be such a thing as rain therapy. It's good for the soul to once in a while stand in the rain, heavy or light and like a child who doesn't know better, to dance in the shower or water from heaven. The weather has bee so very warm, or hot, to better describe it. The cool fall of rain is just what mother earth needs to cool it down. the water puddles I played around in were warm and made me wish they were much deeper so that I could swim in them.
As I danced and sang songs about rain to myself, I felt so elated and glad, it was amazing how much joy this odd but simple pleasure brought me. I think it healed me for a moment. I felt so loved by God that He would let rain fall on me. I was drenched and cold, and people were screaming at me to join them cuddling up under small shelters of the tents of vaiours stores and in the small verandas of some office buildings. I'm sure they thought I was out of my mind. Maybe for the moment I was, and I just walked on smiling and feeling acomplished in what I was doing.

It's days and events like these that restore my hope in life. My hope that soon everything will be alright and I will be healed completely....

Have a nice weekend. :-)

Thursday, March 18, 2010

How many times can you have a second thought?

What on earth am I doing in medical school is the question I keep asking myself about a hundred times a day. I think if you're meant to do someting, it should just flow well as long as you make the positive effort.
Well for me I got depressed in medical school! Isn't doing something you're supposed to, shouldn't it bring joy and peace and positive feelings. All I get are second thoughts about choosing to be a doctor. Because I know I'm really intelligent, it's just that it doesn't seem to work here.
Today in class, none of my answers were right. I totally blanked out in the ward when asked the most simple question!! Why! It's not like I haven't ever studied what was being asked about? I don't know why my memory is being so 'Hole'ly Forgive me if you don't understand what I mean.
I just seem to be faced with too many stumbling blocks in my academic pursuit and they all seem to be attached to my shoe.
Most of the time I imagine what life would be like after I'm a doctor and hope that pulls me through and gives me more to look forward to, but then again a life without hospital work also looks so very appealing.
There is so mush else I would love to do. I'd want to become an accomplished writer, a dancer or dare I even say a choreographer, a singer (I so do enjoy singing before a crowd) especially jazz and rock music. Funny combination don't you think?
And I'd also like to start my own ministry of reaching out to people in need of an escape from the harsh realities of life, especially with those who don't have a good relationship with Jesus.
These have always been my basic plans for my life.

How then did I end up in medical school?
Only God understands how at one point I thought it sanity to fit in being a doctor into my already tightly knit plan.
It seems to be nearing the point where I name my whole expedition into the medical kingdom a fiasco, but then again I think twice.

Finishing medical school is the only way I can get out of this. Then again finishing school is the thing that would keep me in deeper!
I can't leave, but then I can't manage staying, I've been trying for the past 3 and a half years!
I just pray God gives me the strenght and the ability to take hold of his strength in this time. I have two major tests coming up, this week and next week and the power to rise up and study isn't there! And no one understands how it feels to just be depressed and unable to even get up out of bed in the morning!

that's just another day in my life.
I'm sure I'll feel better soon enough though, so I can get to studying. I can't afford to fail an exam again, it wouldn't only kill me, it would kill my faith in myself and desire to work through this for one more day!

Love ya!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

When the wrong guy calls!

Isn't it so annoying and at the same time sad when you want one person to call and another person does.
This is my story. Two guys, roommates, One I like and the other he's just okay, a little bit boring, but okay. So let's call the first guy Duke and the second George. Duke is absolutely cute and not so funny, but I think he likes me. George, is really quiet and doesn't talk much, which is why I always bug him and get him involved in crazy topic conversations. He doesn't show any sign like he likes me, except recently he's been visiting me and he bought me juice when I wasn't feeling well. Why should I think anything of it, that's what friends would do right? And Duke always visits (my roommate's an old school friend of his) and we all kept bugging George to visit, who would have thought anything more into his innocent visits.

Now when on an off campus elective for a few weeks, George practically calls everyday in the past four weeks and Duke has called only once! Imagine that!
Well at first I think maybe he's just bored and with the way he's quiet he shouldn't have that many friends right? But the conversations are really boring and I have to keep thinking up something new to say. I hate those awkward silences but you can't just say "Man if you have nothing to say just hang up.
So I ask him if he calls his roommates he says he's only called him once! And he calls me almost everyday. There was a time I actually switched my phone off so I don't have to pick his call, and i can't not pick his calls forever. I don't even have good excuses for not picking up and I can't tell him the truth that I actually just don't enjoy talking to him. That would really make him feel bad.
The Dilema: Now I've lost my most powerful conversation stater for when George gets back "Why didn't I hear from you" But even worse, I hope continue with his calls and visits when he gets back, then I would really have to start physically avoiding him!

There's always such trouble when the wrong guy calls. Now I don't know what to do!
Should I wait for him to ask me out and then say no? Or should I try to set things straight right now?(Yeah right, and say what, you're the most boring guy on the planet?)

Well I'll just pray and see what God tells me. Can I get an amen?

Monday, March 15, 2010

Life ain't fair!

How often do you feel like saying these three or so words; "life's just not fair?" When something bad or unfortunate happens to you that you know you don't deserve it's the first thing that comes to mind. But is this really true. Yes! But think of it this way, when something really great and amazing happens to you that you absolutely never deserved do you say the same? Life doesn't always give us what we deserve, whether good or bad but we still are at the receiving end.
People have theories about getting what you want out of life, and to some it's faith, but whatever it is. Never wish that life were fair to you because imperfect as we are as humans, it would be quite unfortunate if we did get what we deserve, think and think deeply about this.

Friday, March 12, 2010

I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!

I love you!
I just felt like saying that. An emotional release, because I don't get the guts to say it when I really think I should. Why does it always feel so wierd when you know you should say it. Or maybe it isn't supposed to be said when it feels that wierd? What does that mean? When it's the right person it would feel perfectly right.
I love you!
There I said it. But to who. It's so much easier when I'm talking to nobody.

I must seem really crazy mustI? Sometimes I think I am.
I have to get myself up and out of here and into town so that I can go for my meeting which is about an hour away.

I just really feel like not going!!!!!!!!

Anyway, if I don't do it, who will?

I pray to God for strentgh to finish this final but one lap.

You probably don't understand a thing I'm saying. That's because I'm afraid to give details and its not only you, it's everyone in my life!!!


Definition:- Too many things going through your mind at the same time.
2. Being kept doing something you so do not want to do because you have pressing matters to attend to, especially when its something you can't get out of.
I don't think I handled to day at the ward very well. And the stupid thing of all is that I got myself into that pan of burning hot oil. People can be so annoying and unhelpful. When I explain, Oh I have to be somewhere could you not be understanding enough and just say, okay I'll present it for you?
Mentally I was distressed and tired and seriously anhedonic(absolutelty wrong usage). I just seriously didn't feellike doing what I was supposed to do. And worst of all, which I don't know whether it was a blessing or a curse, my phone rang right in the middle of the presentation and the consultant just gets offended and stops listening to me. I had to appologize at the end of everything anyway, but still its left me feeling like something bad by the time I left the office. Now, I don't feel much like doing what I was itching to do.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

माय टेक ओं देप्रेस्सिओं

Depression is an illness that has plagued man for many years. Increasing in incidence in the development of civilization. That is when civilization or development is defined as more of individualization of the person who used to be very intergrated in the community. People who were always surrounded by all the family members and friends and everybody's business was everybody's business now locked in a prison of privacy where no one knows what is going on with them.
Personally I think privacy has been over-rated. There is peace in sharing what basically goes on in your life, especially the bad things, someone you can trust. Seriously if you think of it, that's the majority of what you do when you see a clinical psychologist. They just allow you to talk and express yourself, "Let it All Out". Something you can do with a friend. But the greatest problem is how to find a good friend to trust with the dark truth of the negative thoughts and ideas that are going through your mind. Someone who won't judgeor condemn you or force you to tell anyone you don't want to or do anything you don't want to.
Why can't we find such people?
1. They all think yout problem is none of their business
2. They're actually not interested in helping you, people are just selfish.
3. They don't have true love, not erotic love, but a true love that empathises and won't stop trying to help.
Basically my take on depression, it's caused by pushing love away, not giving love and therefore not receiving and the increase of evil in the world with so much people do to make them so ashamed to share their lives in detail with others.
All these do not hold in a truly loving Christian community, based on the love of God and the tradition of caring for one another, where one person's property belongs to all or to anyone who needs it at the time and there is no hint of selfish.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Just before I go...

Well here's a lightning bolt of enlightenment from moi. Did you ever wonder why nice girls, and I mean really nice girls end up with jerks. Well it's because she's so nice that all the decent guys don't even make a move assuming she's already taken and so when she's desparate and vulnerable some unserious not too goodlooking guy who by all standards doesn't deserve her, shows a little interest and he gets her hook line and sinker (I'm not sure I used that phrase well). [Yeah I'm your regular grammar freak] Back to my point: This proves true the wise saying of King Solomon:- The race is not for the swift, neither is the battle for the strong, but time and chance happen to them all. In other words, just because you deserve it doesn't mean you'll get it.

2nd entry

I feel tired right now. I've been playing tetris, my latest found fad. I don't know why all of a sudden I'm so addicted. Ah well.
But it's not like I have nothing doing.
I have this biig event to organize, but this morning I told God I ws scared and I haven't been able to do anything about it, and time's going.
I guess I'd I have to tell you why , but right now I'm not sure. There's so much on my mind I don't know what to say first. Instead let me give you a big smooch and say talk to you later baby!!!!
That's just me kidding around, it sometimes helps me to lighten my mood.

First day of blogging

Hi, this is really new to me. I don't really know if anyone would ever read this, I'm doing this as a form of therapy for myself. I'm going to be telling some of my deepest darkest secrets, only to lighten the weight of the worries of this world over my heart. I get tired too easily nd I'm hurt too easily meaning my heart is not perfectly well. But I'll be well soon though.
For starters my name is Marcy, I'm 22 but I feel like I'm thirty. My days last for longer than 24hrs.