Tuesday, June 8, 2010


At first I used to have dreams for myself. I don't think I have them anymore. One so many tragedies and bad stuff happen to you over a period of time, you loose the zeal with which you look forward to tomorrow. It's so hard sometimes, well most of the time.
Now the dreams I had seem impossible.
At first all I wanted to do was go to this internationally acclaimed film school, I wanted to be a writer/director, but look at me now. I don't think that would ever happen. It kills me to look into the future and not see that happening for me, but I'm so numb now that it doesn't really hurt much. I'm not really that sad about it, I just have no feeling, and that's what kills me.
I feel like my personality has changed, I'm no more the person I was when I was eighteen. But honestly, I don't want to be the person I am now, I wish I could turn back time and make some changes. I just didn't have the knowledge then of what I know now.

Bottom line is, right now I don't like me. And it freaks me out that I'll be 23 soon. I don't want to grow older.

My advice, find out the most you can about whatever you want to do in life, and choose the most realistic options. Never despise small beginnings, just start on a journey to follow your dreams, that the most important thing. Otherwise, you'll never be able to look into the future with joy.

Oh yeah, God plays a role in all this. But I personally believe that God just allows things to happen and controls everything so that everything happening in the world is exactly the way he want it. I believe a man's destiny is in his own hands with the decisions and choices he makes. So don't ever make a mistake in choosing your a professional course of study because it seems like the option that would make everyone but yourself happy.

No matter what people say, most of who you are is defined by the job you do for the rest of your life, don't waste years studying something you don't really love, it will just kill you all the way through and end up being a waste of time and money, that's if your brave and confident enough to follow your dreams after that. Otherwise you'd end up like me, not wanting to grow up or look into the future.

1 comment:

  1. You are right about one thing - you have a choice. If you know you aren't where you are supposed to be, go towards where you are supposed to be. Leave. You can do that.

    You know, God really does want the best for you, and I think He puts desires in your heart for a reaon. I also think He opens and closes doors for a reason. He even closes doors you think should be opened. Don't let that discourage you. He sees the big picture. You don't. And trust that He has your good at heart, otherwise He'll just piss you off :)

    p.s. I know how you feel.