RAGE!

That's what I'm feeling right now. I'm so mad at the way some forces are treating me. Why are so many things going wrong. But I knowone thing that's going right for me, I have Jesus on my side, so in the end I'll turn up as the winner.
My only consolation!
I desperately feel like saying so many bad words and insulting so many people. But I won't... I'll just rest in Jesus to calm me down.

This is the day that the Lord has made.

I have made a pact with myself that no matter how crappy a day goes, I will always something good, you know, see the best in every situation...
Yeah right. That's a lie. I just decided not to write about how bad my day has been!
Can you imagine this nice man, a very nice man indeed. My urology consultant, after I gave him my log book to sign me out for my rotation with him, he left it somewhere in the very ward where I gave it to him. The Pediatric surgery ward. Let me show you how it went.

Act1 Scene 1
There I am clerking a confused little boy trying to figure out how long he's been on admission in the hospital, frustrated by incongruent statements and Anthony walks up to me.
Anthony: Did you intentionally leave your log book by a patient's bed?
Me: What? (Confused at the sight of my log book in his hand, wet in the front)
Anthony: Your log book, it was by this kid's bed, and he peed on it. (He handed over the book to me)

With disgust in my expression I took the book by the corner and began to peel of the paper I had used to cover it.

End of Scene 1

I mean can you imagine that! Pee! On my log book! After I handed it to the man some 15mins before.

Next thing he comes up to me asks why I didn't return the projector to the office after the class. HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW I HAD TO RETURN IT WHEN NOBODY TOLD ME! I'm not the one who went for it! Now it's my fault? GIVE ME A BREAK MAN!

Next they say the case I'm clerking isn't my current consultant's case, so I find someone else's and join in, along with 3 others. Then this man (my new consultant) comes in and says 2 to a case, just when we were almost done.
And because we were so many and his patients were few, we ended clerking another case which wasn't my consultant's case!
Imagine that! And all this happened just before 1pm. I'm tired, my back is aching and I have to be back for a lecture with this man at 2. And I have to be early because we are so many above 60 and there are about 40'ish seats in the whole place.

Having considered all these, I would still say this is the day that the Lord has made, and I will rejoice and be glad in it. At least the sun is shining and I'm not "sick", so yeah it's still a good day, and it's only going to get better.
I hope I can still make it to church tonight though.

Message to Jacks

Here's hoping Clovers in a bramble will notice this.
I really wanted to post a comment, but I didn't find any such option so this is how I get to say what I want to say.
So often I let things I feel go unsaid, well not today.

I read your Feb. 11 blog, and I really identify with that. It's like you desperately want to have that close relation ship with someone, but it just doesn't happen. Life can feel so lonely sometimes with noone to share stuff with. I know, I'm living that life. (That's partly why I started this blog, in secret hope of making new friend).
One thing I do is find different people to tell different stuff to. I don't put all my eggs in one basket!
You don't necessarily need one best friend, well you just need a few friends who really care about you and can be there for you when you need them.

And more important than having a friend is being a friend, and giving what you wished was given to you. That's what I do. Maybe it doesn't always work or make me feel better. Believe me I have loads of issues about myself and relationships, but that's a topic for another blog.

Just wanted to say if what you said about yourself in that blog is really true then you're a really cool guy, a person I'd like to know and none of the bad names you named. But staying close to Jesus is really how you can overcome these feelings, it's not always easy, but going to Jesus always works. And some things take time to be fixed, so don't give up on yourself, on true love and on people. Because that's what God uses to get us out of these horrible ruts we seem to find ourselves in...

What a couple of days!

You wouldn't believe what I just went through in the past couple of days with that I mean yesterday and today though.
I had to finish some mega assignment (11page essay) of and another one (4pages) work in one night. And can you imagine when I started working? Yesterday at about 5pm. Yes, and I had to turn the first one into a power point presentation when I was done.
It actually felt good to work so hard. I mean I stayed up till 4am and still wasn't finished by then.
The good thing for me was that the first lecture of the day was cancelled. (could you believe we had been waiting for the lecturer in class for about 15 mins only to call him and find out that he was out of town). I don't even think he knew he was to teach today. Anyway so I used the opportunity to finish what was left of my work and google for some more pictures to add to my power point prez. before printing everything out.

Phew! I was already tired by the time I got there. Did I mention I had to run the presentation through with a friend and borrow a laptop and go to my room twice (the first time I forgot my key at the internet cafe).
At least I was only ten minutes late, but lucky for me my consultant was busy talking to some other people, and we had to wait about thirty minutes.

After all said and done, I think my presentation was a blast!
Not in the good sense of the word though. I couldn't answer questions well. I was so nervous, I couldn't even read from my own slides, everything I said was from my head. And Lastly I think I was very very very boring! The consultant was dozing off. And my audience didn't seem appreciative.

I am just now slowly realizing I have a confidence issue, that I have to deal with, but it won't be easy.

At least I had something to present, and I learnt a lot from it all. And most of all its all over now and I can enjoy a couple of hours of afternoon sleep.

Sweet Dreams dear [Yawning]

Oh God! It's soooo.. dry!

I just can't believe this. The rainy season's supposed to be longer than the dry season. Here in sub-Saharan West Africa that's just the way it is, or is supposed to be!
So here's the story. We're in the middle of the rainy season, it's like raining everyday then all of a sudden yesterday, the air was very dusty, dry and cold. I didn't think much of it, I thought maybe someone was just doing some cleaning around my room and the dust was just traveling far. Then I woke up this morning, (well I actually notice it after class at about 10 am) and what do I see outside my balcony. Just guess. This hazy dusty mist of whitish air. A typical harmattan morning seen, as if we were in the middle of the dry season. Imagine that!
And it had rained just a couple of days ago.
Are the forces of nature now against me, just because I said I loved the rain on Friday?
I just can't believe this, but at least we're not having acid rain.

This global warming thing is really changing the weather pattern, and I'm afraid to think of how things would be if the weather gets worse. Because it seems nowadays like if it's not unbearably hot then it's unbearably dry. I don't know how we can fix it, but if we don't try doing something about it now (that is if it isn't too late already) the next thing we'll realize is that the whole earth will be covered with water from the melting peaks of the arctic areas of the earth (THE END OF THE WORLD).

Just Another Why Question.

Have you ever had one of those times where you had a job or something to do and you knew, like you just had that in-depth feeling right your very soul that it's going to turn out great. It's like for some unknown reason you just have this great confidence that you'll make it and the results are going to far outweigh anyone's expectations of you including yourself. It sort of raises your expectaions, like something extraordinary is going to happen and just then poof, the moment you do it it's either normal or worse.

Why does that happen anyway? I don't get it. Is it that something extraordinary was really going to happen and I messed it up at the last minute or was that just me deluding myself.

I was going to sing at fellowship meeting yesterday and I thought it was going to be really something, I really did. In fact I was so convinced I could have bet all the money I had on me that it would. (Maybe not all my money, I would have set aside what I was going to give as offering and to buy my supper)
Anyway, the moment came and well it was just normal. Well I can't really tell about how it affected the people before whom I sang but for me it was just normal, I didn't feel anything. And I didn't get any comments about it anyway.

If I hadn't felt so great about it in the first place I would have been elated by now, because I haven't done that before and I should have been pre-occupied with just getting through it without any mistakes which I did.

Ah well, I still like to think there was maybe something I did that didn't let things go the way it was supposed to but I just can't get a hold of it. I like to believe I'm an extraordinary person with great things to do in this life, but it tends to happen too often, especially with things I feel I'm naturally good at, when I eventually do them, well... the results are never as good as I think and sometimes even very bad.
Hey, maybe my real natural talent is having this overactive imagination. But dear God! I really hope not!

Healing Rain.

I think there should be such a thing as rain therapy. It's good for the soul to once in a while stand in the rain, heavy or light and like a child who doesn't know better, to dance in the shower or water from heaven. The weather has bee so very warm, or hot, to better describe it. The cool fall of rain is just what mother earth needs to cool it down. the water puddles I played around in were warm and made me wish they were much deeper so that I could swim in them.
As I danced and sang songs about rain to myself, I felt so elated and glad, it was amazing how much joy this odd but simple pleasure brought me. I think it healed me for a moment. I felt so loved by God that He would let rain fall on me. I was drenched and cold, and people were screaming at me to join them cuddling up under small shelters of the tents of vaiours stores and in the small verandas of some office buildings. I'm sure they thought I was out of my mind. Maybe for the moment I was, and I just walked on smiling and feeling acomplished in what I was doing.

It's days and events like these that restore my hope in life. My hope that soon everything will be alright and I will be healed completely....

Have a nice weekend. :-)

How many times can you have a second thought?

What on earth am I doing in medical school is the question I keep asking myself about a hundred times a day. I think if you're meant to do someting, it should just flow well as long as you make the positive effort.
Well for me I got depressed in medical school! Isn't doing something you're supposed to, shouldn't it bring joy and peace and positive feelings. All I get are second thoughts about choosing to be a doctor. Because I know I'm really intelligent, it's just that it doesn't seem to work here.
Today in class, none of my answers were right. I totally blanked out in the ward when asked the most simple question!! Why! It's not like I haven't ever studied what was being asked about? I don't know why my memory is being so 'Hole'ly Forgive me if you don't understand what I mean.
I just seem to be faced with too many stumbling blocks in my academic pursuit and they all seem to be attached to my shoe.
Most of the time I imagine what life would be like after I'm a doctor and hope that pulls me through and gives me more to look forward to, but then again a life without hospital work also looks so very appealing.
There is so mush else I would love to do. I'd want to become an accomplished writer, a dancer or dare I even say a choreographer, a singer (I so do enjoy singing before a crowd) especially jazz and rock music. Funny combination don't you think?
And I'd also like to start my own ministry of reaching out to people in need of an escape from the harsh realities of life, especially with those who don't have a good relationship with Jesus.
These have always been my basic plans for my life.

How then did I end up in medical school?
Only God understands how at one point I thought it sanity to fit in being a doctor into my already tightly knit plan.
It seems to be nearing the point where I name my whole expedition into the medical kingdom a fiasco, but then again I think twice.

Finishing medical school is the only way I can get out of this. Then again finishing school is the thing that would keep me in deeper!
I can't leave, but then I can't manage staying, I've been trying for the past 3 and a half years!
I just pray God gives me the strenght and the ability to take hold of his strength in this time. I have two major tests coming up, this week and next week and the power to rise up and study isn't there! And no one understands how it feels to just be depressed and unable to even get up out of bed in the morning!

that's just another day in my life.
I'm sure I'll feel better soon enough though, so I can get to studying. I can't afford to fail an exam again, it wouldn't only kill me, it would kill my faith in myself and desire to work through this for one more day!

Love ya!

When the wrong guy calls!

Isn't it so annoying and at the same time sad when you want one person to call and another person does.
This is my story. Two guys, roommates, One I like and the other he's just okay, a little bit boring, but okay. So let's call the first guy Duke and the second George. Duke is absolutely cute and not so funny, but I think he likes me. George, is really quiet and doesn't talk much, which is why I always bug him and get him involved in crazy topic conversations. He doesn't show any sign like he likes me, except recently he's been visiting me and he bought me juice when I wasn't feeling well. Why should I think anything of it, that's what friends would do right? And Duke always visits (my roommate's an old school friend of his) and we all kept bugging George to visit, who would have thought anything more into his innocent visits.

Now when on an off campus elective for a few weeks, George practically calls everyday in the past four weeks and Duke has called only once! Imagine that!
Well at first I think maybe he's just bored and with the way he's quiet he shouldn't have that many friends right? But the conversations are really boring and I have to keep thinking up something new to say. I hate those awkward silences but you can't just say "Man if you have nothing to say just hang up.
So I ask him if he calls his roommates he says he's only called him once! And he calls me almost everyday. There was a time I actually switched my phone off so I don't have to pick his call, and i can't not pick his calls forever. I don't even have good excuses for not picking up and I can't tell him the truth that I actually just don't enjoy talking to him. That would really make him feel bad.
The Dilema: Now I've lost my most powerful conversation stater for when George gets back "Why didn't I hear from you" But even worse, I hope continue with his calls and visits when he gets back, then I would really have to start physically avoiding him!

There's always such trouble when the wrong guy calls. Now I don't know what to do!
Should I wait for him to ask me out and then say no? Or should I try to set things straight right now?(Yeah right, and say what, you're the most boring guy on the planet?)

Well I'll just pray and see what God tells me. Can I get an amen?

Life ain't fair!

How often do you feel like saying these three or so words; "life's just not fair?" When something bad or unfortunate happens to you that you know you don't deserve it's the first thing that comes to mind. But is this really true. Yes! But think of it this way, when something really great and amazing happens to you that you absolutely never deserved do you say the same? Life doesn't always give us what we deserve, whether good or bad but we still are at the receiving end.
People have theories about getting what you want out of life, and to some it's faith, but whatever it is. Never wish that life were fair to you because imperfect as we are as humans, it would be quite unfortunate if we did get what we deserve, think and think deeply about this.

I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!

I love you!
I just felt like saying that. An emotional release, because I don't get the guts to say it when I really think I should. Why does it always feel so wierd when you know you should say it. Or maybe it isn't supposed to be said when it feels that wierd? What does that mean? When it's the right person it would feel perfectly right.
I love you!
There I said it. But to who. It's so much easier when I'm talking to nobody.

I must seem really crazy mustI? Sometimes I think I am.
I have to get myself up and out of here and into town so that I can go for my meeting which is about an hour away.

I just really feel like not going!!!!!!!!

Anyway, if I don't do it, who will?

I pray to God for strentgh to finish this final but one lap.

You probably don't understand a thing I'm saying. That's because I'm afraid to give details and its not only you, it's everyone in my life!!!

Frustration

Definition:- Too many things going through your mind at the same time.
2. Being kept doing something you so do not want to do because you have pressing matters to attend to, especially when its something you can't get out of.
I don't think I handled to day at the ward very well. And the stupid thing of all is that I got myself into that pan of burning hot oil. People can be so annoying and unhelpful. When I explain, Oh I have to be somewhere could you not be understanding enough and just say, okay I'll present it for you?
Mentally I was distressed and tired and seriously anhedonic(absolutelty wrong usage). I just seriously didn't feellike doing what I was supposed to do. And worst of all, which I don't know whether it was a blessing or a curse, my phone rang right in the middle of the presentation and the consultant just gets offended and stops listening to me. I had to appologize at the end of everything anyway, but still its left me feeling like something bad by the time I left the office. Now, I don't feel much like doing what I was itching to do.

माय टेक ओं देप्रेस्सिओं

Depression is an illness that has plagued man for many years. Increasing in incidence in the development of civilization. That is when civilization or development is defined as more of individualization of the person who used to be very intergrated in the community. People who were always surrounded by all the family members and friends and everybody's business was everybody's business now locked in a prison of privacy where no one knows what is going on with them.
Personally I think privacy has been over-rated. There is peace in sharing what basically goes on in your life, especially the bad things, someone you can trust. Seriously if you think of it, that's the majority of what you do when you see a clinical psychologist. They just allow you to talk and express yourself, "Let it All Out". Something you can do with a friend. But the greatest problem is how to find a good friend to trust with the dark truth of the negative thoughts and ideas that are going through your mind. Someone who won't judgeor condemn you or force you to tell anyone you don't want to or do anything you don't want to.
Why can't we find such people?
1. They all think yout problem is none of their business
2. They're actually not interested in helping you, people are just selfish.
3. They don't have true love, not erotic love, but a true love that empathises and won't stop trying to help.
Basically my take on depression, it's caused by pushing love away, not giving love and therefore not receiving and the increase of evil in the world with so much people do to make them so ashamed to share their lives in detail with others.
All these do not hold in a truly loving Christian community, based on the love of God and the tradition of caring for one another, where one person's property belongs to all or to anyone who needs it at the time and there is no hint of selfish.

Just before I go...

Well here's a lightning bolt of enlightenment from moi. Did you ever wonder why nice girls, and I mean really nice girls end up with jerks. Well it's because she's so nice that all the decent guys don't even make a move assuming she's already taken and so when she's desparate and vulnerable some unserious not too goodlooking guy who by all standards doesn't deserve her, shows a little interest and he gets her hook line and sinker (I'm not sure I used that phrase well). [Yeah I'm your regular grammar freak] Back to my point: This proves true the wise saying of King Solomon:- The race is not for the swift, neither is the battle for the strong, but time and chance happen to them all. In other words, just because you deserve it doesn't mean you'll get it.

2nd entry

I feel tired right now. I've been playing tetris, my latest found fad. I don't know why all of a sudden I'm so addicted. Ah well.
But it's not like I have nothing doing.
I have this biig event to organize, but this morning I told God I ws scared and I haven't been able to do anything about it, and time's going.
I guess I'd I have to tell you why , but right now I'm not sure. There's so much on my mind I don't know what to say first. Instead let me give you a big smooch and say talk to you later baby!!!!
That's just me kidding around, it sometimes helps me to lighten my mood.

First day of blogging

Hi, this is really new to me. I don't really know if anyone would ever read this, I'm doing this as a form of therapy for myself. I'm going to be telling some of my deepest darkest secrets, only to lighten the weight of the worries of this world over my heart. I get tired too easily nd I'm hurt too easily meaning my heart is not perfectly well. But I'll be well soon though.
For starters my name is Marcy, I'm 22 but I feel like I'm thirty. My days last for longer than 24hrs.