Tuesday, June 22, 2010


I was hit by a wave of reality just yesterday. I was asking my dad for money, yeah I know, almost 23 and stay living off my parents. But I can't help it I'm in full time med school. I really wish I could get a job though, because I hate to have this lecture where my dad tells me how he struggled and worked hard to put himself and his siblings through school.

I realized how important becoming a doctor is to my dad, and my whole family. I've been dreaming about following my dream and doing that which I love and I just realized it was all not possible. They're depending on me to make it in life and not depend on anybody (most especially not a man). So I guess that's what I have to do. I never thought I would be one to work hard and all for someone else not to suffer what I'm suffering. But I guess that's what it has come to. I can only hope to make my kids have the opportunity to go to any school in the world to pursure whatever they want to do, be it dancing or acting or anything else. I don't have that opportunity. I don't see it in the future, so I guess I should just come to terms with it.

Another thing I've just realised, is that I'm a good dreamer. I can really think up stuff. It's just I've been believing too many fantasy stuff. Like true love and romance. NOT REAL. People always end up marrying people they'd just be comfortable with and can manage with. Not someone who makes their heart race everytime they come near. It's a very nice dream but that's all it is. It doesn't exist. We might as well have marriages arranged as in the olden days.

Real romantic love, doesn't exist. It's an illusion. Very beautiful, though, but still an illusion. A mirage that you falsely see ahead, but when you get there, it's just the same dark road you've been treading all along. Two couple I knew, were together for a long time, there was no doubt they'd get married soon after school. Well guess what? That love and romace wasn't enough. They broke up! One guy's getting married over the week-end to some girl in his church whom he works with. (In other words familiarity and onvenience) not romance that conquers all odds. And people only stay in marriages because they don't want to mess up the heads of the kids or that they just don't have time to go through the process of divorce, or are afraid of the stigma. It's not love!

I think that's why the divorce rate is so high in america. I think, if people stop looking for that illusion of love, and just make do with what they have as a marriage the divorce rate will drastically fall.

But the point is we as humans are drawn more to shunning this abismal truth and living in a world of wishful thinking where dreams come true (but the whole point is that they don't unless you're really rich or can get to someone who is). Everybody wants to be happy, even if it means believing a lie.

Right now I find myself agreeing with the saying that ignorance is bliss. Because the ugly truth all expectations of certain things from life. I was much happier believing someday I would find true love and get married to it. Now, I don't even like the idea of marriage because I don't believe that falling in love is real, or lasts long or can overcome the obstacles that everyday life brings you. It's sad and upsetting, but I know I'd better face reallity now before it slaps me in my face as I fall down a cliff.


I went for a wedding over the week-end. Travelled out of town. And guess who I met? My almost ex. He's my almost ex because I never agreed to be his girlfriend. But I almost did.
Let me tell you the story. I wanted a certain book, and I didn't know where I could buy a copy, and my really tight friend tells me she know a guy who could get me one. So we go for this prayer conference thing and funny enough he brings the book to my friend who is there with me, without me even noticing. So when I get the book from my friend the programme is over and he's gone, so I take his number to call and say thanks. Next thing you know, he calls me and we start this phone relationship. We used to talk almost every single day. He had this prayer meeting he would go to at church late in the night, so we would talk till it was time. I must say, I really enjoyed those conversations.
Next we arranged a meeting, I went over to his place. Well he sounded good on the phone, but physically, he was no Pierce Brosnan. He wasn't looking or anything, it's just that he wasn't what I expected. Of course I knew I could get over that quickly and I did. Our phone relationship continued. I didn't know at the time how deep we were getting in, but I thought we were just friends. Then the conversations began getting a bit intimate, he was telling me stuff I wasn't sure I wanted to hear. Don't get too naughty in your thoughts, it was nothing obscene. He was just starting to say he saw a future with me, and even mentioned marriage. Not asking me to marry him of course, we were obviously too young for that. But he was just getting weird on me. Then he did the unthinkable. He declared his love for me.

Of course I said nothing in reply except that I wasn't interested. Anyway, I decided not to call him again after that. That's when I realized, I didn't really want to be in a relationship with him anyway, because I was doing all the work. I was calling him almost everyday. I was the one always going forward. When I stopped, he never called me back. If he had been more persistent I might probably have given in along the line. But the thing is he didn't. I was just the nice "convenient" girl he had a lot in common with. I did all the work! That's when I decided I would never do all the work in any relationship.

But he did call me once some months after, but my phone was lost in my bag and by the time I could find it, the call had ended. I waited for him to call back, but he didn't. And that's how it ended. Until I saw him at the wedding on Saturday.

This happened over four years ago, and I didn't know how to handle it at first. My decision at first was to avoid him. But that seemed stupid, because we had so many friends in common. The the moment came, and we were face to face in a circle of friends who hadn't seen each other in ages, hugs were going round. For a moment I contemplated being formal with him and shaking hands. But before I knew it, I hugged him, just like my other friends. He looked surprised, but then, so was I. It felt kind of wierd at first, but then I just acclamatised. I was glad I was looking really pretty at the wedding, and I wished then I had a boyfriend to show off.
All in all, we did a little catching up, before he had to rush home, because of some emergency. I was glad he was going away.

Looking in retrospect, I wonder what I was thinking when I actually considered him. Because, he had really not changed much, and he was irritating and childish. I don't think I a relationship with him would have survived anyway, even if I hadn't been doing all the work.

Anyways, After him I made a promise to myself to never make myself easy for any guy. If you liked me you'd have to work because I'm not ready to do any of it. Not until I have enough proof from you that you'd do the work. If ever I'm the first to call, then it's over before it even began. And if that probably puts me off the market, I have no problem with that. I'm not desparate. I think I've managed quite well without a boyfriend so far.

Monday, June 14, 2010


This is a person I am just discovering myself.
There's so much I want, and wanted to be. I am now finding out who I really am, and the stuff I really like.
First is music. I love JAZZ, not really the modern instrumental stuff or the saxophone business, not really my style. I prefer "the blues" those slow songs with that unique jazz rhythm. I think I would be really good at that. I feel more connected to music before my years, like between the 60's and early 80's. The rock'n'roll. I love those oldies so much, it's surprising. And I thought I didn't like slow love songs! I actually didn't want to, because of what they represented and the things the people who sang them stood for. But for once and only now will I admit the fact; I love the soft rhythm of the blues.

Here's something I always knew though; I love rock music. Not hard rock, or really loud rock, cuz I'm a quiet person who doesn't really like noise. But when I get crazy, and I mean REALLY CRRAAAAAZY, I do enjoy Hillsong (Take it All, is rock right?) Well that's also what I do like.

Another thing is that I'm actually a softy. Yeah, I like soft, sweet romantic stories. I wish I wasn't. I wish I just liked action movies like my brother. But my favourite movies, I hate to admit, are romantic comedies. I don't actually like watching them because they distort the meaning of real love to mean you have to have sex. And all these movies condone pre-marital sex, which I'm against.

My favourite movie of all time, for now, is FIREPROOF. I tell my friends it's all about the technicalities and stuff, but it's really because I like the story, and the guy gets the girl in the end. Another favourite is IF ONLY, I think it's a classic. I would never admit it in public or recommend it to anyone. It's the sweetest story ever, except that the guy dies in the end. Last I would mention is JUST LIKE HEAVEN. All these three movies I have watched more than twice, a whole lot more...

Next thing about myself is that I'm like other girls. Although I wish I were a tom-boy. I try my best, but on the inside I'm the same and I react the same. I was for a while obsessed about relationship's and marriage. Yes me! The girl who's always saying she doesn't want to get married( I actually really really really want it). A friend told me it's probably my biological clock. I must agree with that! It's the best excuse yet. A force of nature I can't control.

What else is there to say; I'm a silly girl waiting for some prince charming to pop out of nowhere and make my dreams (by that I mean day dreams) come true. Did I just admit I have daydreams about this? I wish I was the independent, I don't need a man kind of girl but I'm not.

Ah Well, that's who I am.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010


At first I used to have dreams for myself. I don't think I have them anymore. One so many tragedies and bad stuff happen to you over a period of time, you loose the zeal with which you look forward to tomorrow. It's so hard sometimes, well most of the time.
Now the dreams I had seem impossible.
At first all I wanted to do was go to this internationally acclaimed film school, I wanted to be a writer/director, but look at me now. I don't think that would ever happen. It kills me to look into the future and not see that happening for me, but I'm so numb now that it doesn't really hurt much. I'm not really that sad about it, I just have no feeling, and that's what kills me.
I feel like my personality has changed, I'm no more the person I was when I was eighteen. But honestly, I don't want to be the person I am now, I wish I could turn back time and make some changes. I just didn't have the knowledge then of what I know now.

Bottom line is, right now I don't like me. And it freaks me out that I'll be 23 soon. I don't want to grow older.

My advice, find out the most you can about whatever you want to do in life, and choose the most realistic options. Never despise small beginnings, just start on a journey to follow your dreams, that the most important thing. Otherwise, you'll never be able to look into the future with joy.

Oh yeah, God plays a role in all this. But I personally believe that God just allows things to happen and controls everything so that everything happening in the world is exactly the way he want it. I believe a man's destiny is in his own hands with the decisions and choices he makes. So don't ever make a mistake in choosing your a professional course of study because it seems like the option that would make everyone but yourself happy.

No matter what people say, most of who you are is defined by the job you do for the rest of your life, don't waste years studying something you don't really love, it will just kill you all the way through and end up being a waste of time and money, that's if your brave and confident enough to follow your dreams after that. Otherwise you'd end up like me, not wanting to grow up or look into the future.

Friday, June 4, 2010


When the clouds are clear,
And a rainbow fills the air,
It's a kiss from nature.

When the stars shine bright
And mummy sings a lullaby,
Expect a kiss from her

A declaration of love,
In a letter from afar,
Is a kiss in the mail

But our daily breaths of air
And the consistency of every sunrise
Is a kiss from God, everyday
Reminding us that we are loved, everyone.

Thursday, June 3, 2010


I realized just now that people, most people at that, have questions for God. I myself have difficult questions for God. Not difficult in that God would find it in some way hard to give me an answer (that's absolutely ridiculous). They're difficult in a sense that they are things that we've been struggling with that cause us so much pain and we're actually scared to hear the answer. (There's a chance it's just what we don't want to hear.)

God sometimes he's mysterious, but other times he's plain and clear. But I think we're often so confused looking at the many things in this world we can't tell the difference. I also believe that there are some answers we'd never understand. It's like trying to explain some complex law in physics, say something about the flow of current or something like that to a two year old. Because God is really big (and we are what we are) it is highly possible that his level of intelligence surpasses ours.

Sometimes I think, if he's so smart, he could think up a way to simplify things for us right. Because I don't understand why I'm going through the stuff I'm going through and I wish he would just explain it to me so that I would be comforted by the fact that its really worth the trouble or just to know that there is a purpose for going through all this in my life and its not just a punishment for something I've done.

I'd really like to ask my fair share of questions to God, but I just want to be sure I'll get the answers I want and quickly.

That's all I have to say on this issue.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010


There are times when everything seems very difficult and I mean really difficult. I had a few myself. How did I handle it. Not too well if you ask me. I avoided talking to people. I think it helped. I just wish I had a friend who would look for me when I'm hiding myself and pray with me, encourage me.
But no, my loneliest times have been my times of greatest anxiety, pain and fear.
But even in those times, I managed to get through. I could actually get physically ill from depression and not be able to get out of bed. But somehow in the morning, I feel better.

I don't know how other people get through times so terrible there seems no solution. When shame and embarrassment weigh you down so much you can't show your face. Or when anger is so great you are capable of hurting people around or even when the hurting is so great that you can't stand the sight of other human beings. I've had all these felings together at one time.
I know what got me through were my short conversations with God, when I told him how I felt and that I didn't think I could make it through.
The healing process was slow and all, but I'm thankful I have someone who wouldn't judge me, or be angry with me or offend me, but would only help to give me solutions to all my problems, one at a time. It's hard for me though, but I guess I'll be just fine.

Even in the worst of times, I still have a hope, never mind how small it is, the important thing is that it still exists, and I know that some time in the near future, all this pain will be gone.