Thursday, August 26, 2010


The last couple of days have just been full of ****. I've had to take **** from people I'm working with, people offering services! Almost everything. Organizing this orientation programme is proving too ****y than it's worth. It's like the universe is trying to mess stuff up, but in Jesus name, none of this is going to spoil the day.
I have so many reasons to be upset. And to some extent I think In am, but at least I'm not constantly frowning or anything. I just have episodes of loud talking to myself and loss of appetite. Nothing pathological yet

But good news is I've decided I want to specialize in radiology. So I have to take my anatomy and pathology really well over the time I have before looking for residency. That I know is going to be a long period of ****.

I think the reason why I don't do so well in history taking especially in psychiatry is the language barrier. I think that's why I don't like being in school here period. That's why I don't want to be a doctor here, much less in my hometown.

I'm tired and I'm talking rubbish mostly right now, so I'll just stop here.

It's been long since I blogged I know. I write about all that's gone on in my life later. Right now I need a way to relieve myself of this ****y stress.


Friday, July 16, 2010


How often do you feel this way, that you're in the middle of this sea, with only your head above the water, and all you can see around is water. You just don't know which direction to swim in, as in which way is closest to land. You're just floating there. Waiting for some divine direction as the water gets colder and colder and the sun doesn't seem to want to wait for you. That's how I feel right now. I'm so confused and don't know what to do.

I had the most disgustingly terrible, horrific dream of myself doing such terrible things! I hate it, and the picture can't seem to get out of my mind.
How did that happen. I feel so disgusted right now.
I wish I could escape from myself, my memories and my thoughts.
I have loads of decisions to make daily, about what I should do and say in the face of situations, but I don't know what to do.
It's still difficult for me to pray, and have a "spiritual" experience.
I feel like I need something new in my life, because it feels so stale. But I can't decide what.

Don't be bothered if I'm not making any sense. It's not you, it's me. I'm sort of confused right now. And no one knows. I'm good at acting like things going on don't affect my mood.
I'm upset.
I know God will give me the strength to get through this somehow. Because I prayed that he should.

All I know now is that I love God and want to please him with everything I do, but I'm not sure I have the capacity to do it.

I feel weak.

BUT HEY! Tomorrow's my birthday! Maybe I'll get all my prayers answered at midnight!
Here's ,e hoping for the best.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010


I had the strangest feeling just the other day. I feel like I still have it. An eerie, bland feeling that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. Very very weird. It’s actually hard to describe. I feel like something significantly romantic is on the verge of happening in my life, and I can’t quite place my finger on it.
Maybe it’s because I’m nervous and anxious about my upcoming birthday. My biological clock and all. My stories I make up in my head don’t make it any easier on my sub-conscious. That’s the most logical thing right? I know, but somehow I just have this feeling that I think has a chance of coming true. And some part of me deep inside wishes it comes true.
The logical and right side of me tells me that nothing’s going to happen, and my life is going to continue on this boring streak. But the movie I watched yesterday, (Other End of the Line) is appealing to my imaginative side, which makes me feel like dreams and funny ideas, like the ones I’ve been having can come true.
I should grab a hold on reality and say to myself “listen to the voice of reason.”
God help me be strong enough, to stay real!
I really should get back to studying.

Thursday, July 1, 2010


I've been having some really weird dreams. I think they're depicting the end tim. But sometimes I just think it's my overactive imagination. Yesterday I dreamt that some person called a meeting for all the university students to tell them of his plans to rule the world and then later a lady I knew also called another meeting in campus, and I woudn't have gone if a friend of mine hadn't called me and made it sound like she was in trouble. And when I went there, then I got in trouble.
Today I was around my primary school area, walking home when a strange man was holding a gun threatening to shoot. He didn't look sane. I was trying to run away when he appeared to almost see me.

I hate these terrible nightmares. I just want my life back. Or someone to help me get on track. Because I really want to make it with God and end up in heaven with him.

Dear Jesus please help me lead a Holy life worthy of your name which you have given me and keep me from having these horrid dreams, no matter what they mean. In Jesus' name I pray!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010


I was hit by a wave of reality just yesterday. I was asking my dad for money, yeah I know, almost 23 and stay living off my parents. But I can't help it I'm in full time med school. I really wish I could get a job though, because I hate to have this lecture where my dad tells me how he struggled and worked hard to put himself and his siblings through school.

I realized how important becoming a doctor is to my dad, and my whole family. I've been dreaming about following my dream and doing that which I love and I just realized it was all not possible. They're depending on me to make it in life and not depend on anybody (most especially not a man). So I guess that's what I have to do. I never thought I would be one to work hard and all for someone else not to suffer what I'm suffering. But I guess that's what it has come to. I can only hope to make my kids have the opportunity to go to any school in the world to pursure whatever they want to do, be it dancing or acting or anything else. I don't have that opportunity. I don't see it in the future, so I guess I should just come to terms with it.

Another thing I've just realised, is that I'm a good dreamer. I can really think up stuff. It's just I've been believing too many fantasy stuff. Like true love and romance. NOT REAL. People always end up marrying people they'd just be comfortable with and can manage with. Not someone who makes their heart race everytime they come near. It's a very nice dream but that's all it is. It doesn't exist. We might as well have marriages arranged as in the olden days.

Real romantic love, doesn't exist. It's an illusion. Very beautiful, though, but still an illusion. A mirage that you falsely see ahead, but when you get there, it's just the same dark road you've been treading all along. Two couple I knew, were together for a long time, there was no doubt they'd get married soon after school. Well guess what? That love and romace wasn't enough. They broke up! One guy's getting married over the week-end to some girl in his church whom he works with. (In other words familiarity and onvenience) not romance that conquers all odds. And people only stay in marriages because they don't want to mess up the heads of the kids or that they just don't have time to go through the process of divorce, or are afraid of the stigma. It's not love!

I think that's why the divorce rate is so high in america. I think, if people stop looking for that illusion of love, and just make do with what they have as a marriage the divorce rate will drastically fall.

But the point is we as humans are drawn more to shunning this abismal truth and living in a world of wishful thinking where dreams come true (but the whole point is that they don't unless you're really rich or can get to someone who is). Everybody wants to be happy, even if it means believing a lie.

Right now I find myself agreeing with the saying that ignorance is bliss. Because the ugly truth all expectations of certain things from life. I was much happier believing someday I would find true love and get married to it. Now, I don't even like the idea of marriage because I don't believe that falling in love is real, or lasts long or can overcome the obstacles that everyday life brings you. It's sad and upsetting, but I know I'd better face reallity now before it slaps me in my face as I fall down a cliff.


I went for a wedding over the week-end. Travelled out of town. And guess who I met? My almost ex. He's my almost ex because I never agreed to be his girlfriend. But I almost did.
Let me tell you the story. I wanted a certain book, and I didn't know where I could buy a copy, and my really tight friend tells me she know a guy who could get me one. So we go for this prayer conference thing and funny enough he brings the book to my friend who is there with me, without me even noticing. So when I get the book from my friend the programme is over and he's gone, so I take his number to call and say thanks. Next thing you know, he calls me and we start this phone relationship. We used to talk almost every single day. He had this prayer meeting he would go to at church late in the night, so we would talk till it was time. I must say, I really enjoyed those conversations.
Next we arranged a meeting, I went over to his place. Well he sounded good on the phone, but physically, he was no Pierce Brosnan. He wasn't looking or anything, it's just that he wasn't what I expected. Of course I knew I could get over that quickly and I did. Our phone relationship continued. I didn't know at the time how deep we were getting in, but I thought we were just friends. Then the conversations began getting a bit intimate, he was telling me stuff I wasn't sure I wanted to hear. Don't get too naughty in your thoughts, it was nothing obscene. He was just starting to say he saw a future with me, and even mentioned marriage. Not asking me to marry him of course, we were obviously too young for that. But he was just getting weird on me. Then he did the unthinkable. He declared his love for me.

Of course I said nothing in reply except that I wasn't interested. Anyway, I decided not to call him again after that. That's when I realized, I didn't really want to be in a relationship with him anyway, because I was doing all the work. I was calling him almost everyday. I was the one always going forward. When I stopped, he never called me back. If he had been more persistent I might probably have given in along the line. But the thing is he didn't. I was just the nice "convenient" girl he had a lot in common with. I did all the work! That's when I decided I would never do all the work in any relationship.

But he did call me once some months after, but my phone was lost in my bag and by the time I could find it, the call had ended. I waited for him to call back, but he didn't. And that's how it ended. Until I saw him at the wedding on Saturday.

This happened over four years ago, and I didn't know how to handle it at first. My decision at first was to avoid him. But that seemed stupid, because we had so many friends in common. The the moment came, and we were face to face in a circle of friends who hadn't seen each other in ages, hugs were going round. For a moment I contemplated being formal with him and shaking hands. But before I knew it, I hugged him, just like my other friends. He looked surprised, but then, so was I. It felt kind of wierd at first, but then I just acclamatised. I was glad I was looking really pretty at the wedding, and I wished then I had a boyfriend to show off.
All in all, we did a little catching up, before he had to rush home, because of some emergency. I was glad he was going away.

Looking in retrospect, I wonder what I was thinking when I actually considered him. Because, he had really not changed much, and he was irritating and childish. I don't think I a relationship with him would have survived anyway, even if I hadn't been doing all the work.

Anyways, After him I made a promise to myself to never make myself easy for any guy. If you liked me you'd have to work because I'm not ready to do any of it. Not until I have enough proof from you that you'd do the work. If ever I'm the first to call, then it's over before it even began. And if that probably puts me off the market, I have no problem with that. I'm not desparate. I think I've managed quite well without a boyfriend so far.

Monday, June 14, 2010


This is a person I am just discovering myself.
There's so much I want, and wanted to be. I am now finding out who I really am, and the stuff I really like.
First is music. I love JAZZ, not really the modern instrumental stuff or the saxophone business, not really my style. I prefer "the blues" those slow songs with that unique jazz rhythm. I think I would be really good at that. I feel more connected to music before my years, like between the 60's and early 80's. The rock'n'roll. I love those oldies so much, it's surprising. And I thought I didn't like slow love songs! I actually didn't want to, because of what they represented and the things the people who sang them stood for. But for once and only now will I admit the fact; I love the soft rhythm of the blues.

Here's something I always knew though; I love rock music. Not hard rock, or really loud rock, cuz I'm a quiet person who doesn't really like noise. But when I get crazy, and I mean REALLY CRRAAAAAZY, I do enjoy Hillsong (Take it All, is rock right?) Well that's also what I do like.

Another thing is that I'm actually a softy. Yeah, I like soft, sweet romantic stories. I wish I wasn't. I wish I just liked action movies like my brother. But my favourite movies, I hate to admit, are romantic comedies. I don't actually like watching them because they distort the meaning of real love to mean you have to have sex. And all these movies condone pre-marital sex, which I'm against.

My favourite movie of all time, for now, is FIREPROOF. I tell my friends it's all about the technicalities and stuff, but it's really because I like the story, and the guy gets the girl in the end. Another favourite is IF ONLY, I think it's a classic. I would never admit it in public or recommend it to anyone. It's the sweetest story ever, except that the guy dies in the end. Last I would mention is JUST LIKE HEAVEN. All these three movies I have watched more than twice, a whole lot more...

Next thing about myself is that I'm like other girls. Although I wish I were a tom-boy. I try my best, but on the inside I'm the same and I react the same. I was for a while obsessed about relationship's and marriage. Yes me! The girl who's always saying she doesn't want to get married( I actually really really really want it). A friend told me it's probably my biological clock. I must agree with that! It's the best excuse yet. A force of nature I can't control.

What else is there to say; I'm a silly girl waiting for some prince charming to pop out of nowhere and make my dreams (by that I mean day dreams) come true. Did I just admit I have daydreams about this? I wish I was the independent, I don't need a man kind of girl but I'm not.

Ah Well, that's who I am.