Friday, July 16, 2010


How often do you feel this way, that you're in the middle of this sea, with only your head above the water, and all you can see around is water. You just don't know which direction to swim in, as in which way is closest to land. You're just floating there. Waiting for some divine direction as the water gets colder and colder and the sun doesn't seem to want to wait for you. That's how I feel right now. I'm so confused and don't know what to do.

I had the most disgustingly terrible, horrific dream of myself doing such terrible things! I hate it, and the picture can't seem to get out of my mind.
How did that happen. I feel so disgusted right now.
I wish I could escape from myself, my memories and my thoughts.
I have loads of decisions to make daily, about what I should do and say in the face of situations, but I don't know what to do.
It's still difficult for me to pray, and have a "spiritual" experience.
I feel like I need something new in my life, because it feels so stale. But I can't decide what.

Don't be bothered if I'm not making any sense. It's not you, it's me. I'm sort of confused right now. And no one knows. I'm good at acting like things going on don't affect my mood.
I'm upset.
I know God will give me the strength to get through this somehow. Because I prayed that he should.

All I know now is that I love God and want to please him with everything I do, but I'm not sure I have the capacity to do it.

I feel weak.

BUT HEY! Tomorrow's my birthday! Maybe I'll get all my prayers answered at midnight!
Here's ,e hoping for the best.

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