Friday, July 16, 2010


How often do you feel this way, that you're in the middle of this sea, with only your head above the water, and all you can see around is water. You just don't know which direction to swim in, as in which way is closest to land. You're just floating there. Waiting for some divine direction as the water gets colder and colder and the sun doesn't seem to want to wait for you. That's how I feel right now. I'm so confused and don't know what to do.

I had the most disgustingly terrible, horrific dream of myself doing such terrible things! I hate it, and the picture can't seem to get out of my mind.
How did that happen. I feel so disgusted right now.
I wish I could escape from myself, my memories and my thoughts.
I have loads of decisions to make daily, about what I should do and say in the face of situations, but I don't know what to do.
It's still difficult for me to pray, and have a "spiritual" experience.
I feel like I need something new in my life, because it feels so stale. But I can't decide what.

Don't be bothered if I'm not making any sense. It's not you, it's me. I'm sort of confused right now. And no one knows. I'm good at acting like things going on don't affect my mood.
I'm upset.
I know God will give me the strength to get through this somehow. Because I prayed that he should.

All I know now is that I love God and want to please him with everything I do, but I'm not sure I have the capacity to do it.

I feel weak.

BUT HEY! Tomorrow's my birthday! Maybe I'll get all my prayers answered at midnight!
Here's ,e hoping for the best.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010


I had the strangest feeling just the other day. I feel like I still have it. An eerie, bland feeling that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. Very very weird. It’s actually hard to describe. I feel like something significantly romantic is on the verge of happening in my life, and I can’t quite place my finger on it.
Maybe it’s because I’m nervous and anxious about my upcoming birthday. My biological clock and all. My stories I make up in my head don’t make it any easier on my sub-conscious. That’s the most logical thing right? I know, but somehow I just have this feeling that I think has a chance of coming true. And some part of me deep inside wishes it comes true.
The logical and right side of me tells me that nothing’s going to happen, and my life is going to continue on this boring streak. But the movie I watched yesterday, (Other End of the Line) is appealing to my imaginative side, which makes me feel like dreams and funny ideas, like the ones I’ve been having can come true.
I should grab a hold on reality and say to myself “listen to the voice of reason.”
God help me be strong enough, to stay real!
I really should get back to studying.

Thursday, July 1, 2010


I've been having some really weird dreams. I think they're depicting the end tim. But sometimes I just think it's my overactive imagination. Yesterday I dreamt that some person called a meeting for all the university students to tell them of his plans to rule the world and then later a lady I knew also called another meeting in campus, and I woudn't have gone if a friend of mine hadn't called me and made it sound like she was in trouble. And when I went there, then I got in trouble.
Today I was around my primary school area, walking home when a strange man was holding a gun threatening to shoot. He didn't look sane. I was trying to run away when he appeared to almost see me.

I hate these terrible nightmares. I just want my life back. Or someone to help me get on track. Because I really want to make it with God and end up in heaven with him.

Dear Jesus please help me lead a Holy life worthy of your name which you have given me and keep me from having these horrid dreams, no matter what they mean. In Jesus' name I pray!