Thursday, March 18, 2010

How many times can you have a second thought?

What on earth am I doing in medical school is the question I keep asking myself about a hundred times a day. I think if you're meant to do someting, it should just flow well as long as you make the positive effort.
Well for me I got depressed in medical school! Isn't doing something you're supposed to, shouldn't it bring joy and peace and positive feelings. All I get are second thoughts about choosing to be a doctor. Because I know I'm really intelligent, it's just that it doesn't seem to work here.
Today in class, none of my answers were right. I totally blanked out in the ward when asked the most simple question!! Why! It's not like I haven't ever studied what was being asked about? I don't know why my memory is being so 'Hole'ly Forgive me if you don't understand what I mean.
I just seem to be faced with too many stumbling blocks in my academic pursuit and they all seem to be attached to my shoe.
Most of the time I imagine what life would be like after I'm a doctor and hope that pulls me through and gives me more to look forward to, but then again a life without hospital work also looks so very appealing.
There is so mush else I would love to do. I'd want to become an accomplished writer, a dancer or dare I even say a choreographer, a singer (I so do enjoy singing before a crowd) especially jazz and rock music. Funny combination don't you think?
And I'd also like to start my own ministry of reaching out to people in need of an escape from the harsh realities of life, especially with those who don't have a good relationship with Jesus.
These have always been my basic plans for my life.

How then did I end up in medical school?
Only God understands how at one point I thought it sanity to fit in being a doctor into my already tightly knit plan.
It seems to be nearing the point where I name my whole expedition into the medical kingdom a fiasco, but then again I think twice.

Finishing medical school is the only way I can get out of this. Then again finishing school is the thing that would keep me in deeper!
I can't leave, but then I can't manage staying, I've been trying for the past 3 and a half years!
I just pray God gives me the strenght and the ability to take hold of his strength in this time. I have two major tests coming up, this week and next week and the power to rise up and study isn't there! And no one understands how it feels to just be depressed and unable to even get up out of bed in the morning!

that's just another day in my life.
I'm sure I'll feel better soon enough though, so I can get to studying. I can't afford to fail an exam again, it wouldn't only kill me, it would kill my faith in myself and desire to work through this for one more day!

Love ya!

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