At first I used to have dreams for myself. I don't think I have them anymore. One so many tragedies and bad stuff happen to you over a period of time, you loose the zeal with which you look forward to tomorrow. It's so hard sometimes, well most of the time.
Now the dreams I had seem impossible.
At first all I wanted to do was go to this internationally acclaimed film school, I wanted to be a writer/director, but look at me now. I don't think that would ever happen. It kills me to look into the future and not see that happening for me, but I'm so numb now that it doesn't really hurt much. I'm not really that sad about it, I just have no feeling, and that's what kills me.
I feel like my personality has changed, I'm no more the person I was when I was eighteen. But honestly, I don't want to be the person I am now, I wish I could turn back time and make some changes. I just didn't have the knowledge then of what I know now.
Bottom line is, right now I don't like me. And it freaks me out that I'll be 23 soon. I don't want to grow older.
My advice, find out the most you can about whatever you want to do in life, and choose the most realistic options. Never despise small beginnings, just start on a journey to follow your dreams, that the most important thing. Otherwise, you'll never be able to look into the future with joy.
Oh yeah, God plays a role in all this. But I personally believe that God just allows things to happen and controls everything so that everything happening in the world is exactly the way he want it. I believe a man's destiny is in his own hands with the decisions and choices he makes. So don't ever make a mistake in choosing your a professional course of study because it seems like the option that would make everyone but yourself happy.
No matter what people say, most of who you are is defined by the job you do for the rest of your life, don't waste years studying something you don't really love, it will just kill you all the way through and end up being a waste of time and money, that's if your brave and confident enough to follow your dreams after that. Otherwise you'd end up like me, not wanting to grow up or look into the future.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Friday, June 4, 2010
I WROTE A POEM!!
KISSES AND DREAMS
When the clouds are clear,
And a rainbow fills the air,
It's a kiss from nature.
When the stars shine bright
And mummy sings a lullaby,
Expect a kiss from her
A declaration of love,
In a letter from afar,
Is a kiss in the mail
But our daily breaths of air
And the consistency of every sunrise
Is a kiss from God, everyday
Reminding us that we are loved, everyone.
When the clouds are clear,
And a rainbow fills the air,
It's a kiss from nature.
When the stars shine bright
And mummy sings a lullaby,
Expect a kiss from her
A declaration of love,
In a letter from afar,
Is a kiss in the mail
But our daily breaths of air
And the consistency of every sunrise
Is a kiss from God, everyday
Reminding us that we are loved, everyone.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
QUESTIONS FOR GOD
I realized just now that people, most people at that, have questions for God. I myself have difficult questions for God. Not difficult in that God would find it in some way hard to give me an answer (that's absolutely ridiculous). They're difficult in a sense that they are things that we've been struggling with that cause us so much pain and we're actually scared to hear the answer. (There's a chance it's just what we don't want to hear.)
God sometimes he's mysterious, but other times he's plain and clear. But I think we're often so confused looking at the many things in this world we can't tell the difference. I also believe that there are some answers we'd never understand. It's like trying to explain some complex law in physics, say something about the flow of current or something like that to a two year old. Because God is really big (and we are what we are) it is highly possible that his level of intelligence surpasses ours.
Sometimes I think, if he's so smart, he could think up a way to simplify things for us right. Because I don't understand why I'm going through the stuff I'm going through and I wish he would just explain it to me so that I would be comforted by the fact that its really worth the trouble or just to know that there is a purpose for going through all this in my life and its not just a punishment for something I've done.
I'd really like to ask my fair share of questions to God, but I just want to be sure I'll get the answers I want and quickly.
That's all I have to say on this issue.
God sometimes he's mysterious, but other times he's plain and clear. But I think we're often so confused looking at the many things in this world we can't tell the difference. I also believe that there are some answers we'd never understand. It's like trying to explain some complex law in physics, say something about the flow of current or something like that to a two year old. Because God is really big (and we are what we are) it is highly possible that his level of intelligence surpasses ours.
Sometimes I think, if he's so smart, he could think up a way to simplify things for us right. Because I don't understand why I'm going through the stuff I'm going through and I wish he would just explain it to me so that I would be comforted by the fact that its really worth the trouble or just to know that there is a purpose for going through all this in my life and its not just a punishment for something I've done.
I'd really like to ask my fair share of questions to God, but I just want to be sure I'll get the answers I want and quickly.
That's all I have to say on this issue.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
EVEN IN THE HARD TIMES
There are times when everything seems very difficult and I mean really difficult. I had a few myself. How did I handle it. Not too well if you ask me. I avoided talking to people. I think it helped. I just wish I had a friend who would look for me when I'm hiding myself and pray with me, encourage me.
But no, my loneliest times have been my times of greatest anxiety, pain and fear.
But even in those times, I managed to get through. I could actually get physically ill from depression and not be able to get out of bed. But somehow in the morning, I feel better.
I don't know how other people get through times so terrible there seems no solution. When shame and embarrassment weigh you down so much you can't show your face. Or when anger is so great you are capable of hurting people around or even when the hurting is so great that you can't stand the sight of other human beings. I've had all these felings together at one time.
I know what got me through were my short conversations with God, when I told him how I felt and that I didn't think I could make it through.
The healing process was slow and all, but I'm thankful I have someone who wouldn't judge me, or be angry with me or offend me, but would only help to give me solutions to all my problems, one at a time. It's hard for me though, but I guess I'll be just fine.
Even in the worst of times, I still have a hope, never mind how small it is, the important thing is that it still exists, and I know that some time in the near future, all this pain will be gone.
But no, my loneliest times have been my times of greatest anxiety, pain and fear.
But even in those times, I managed to get through. I could actually get physically ill from depression and not be able to get out of bed. But somehow in the morning, I feel better.
I don't know how other people get through times so terrible there seems no solution. When shame and embarrassment weigh you down so much you can't show your face. Or when anger is so great you are capable of hurting people around or even when the hurting is so great that you can't stand the sight of other human beings. I've had all these felings together at one time.
I know what got me through were my short conversations with God, when I told him how I felt and that I didn't think I could make it through.
The healing process was slow and all, but I'm thankful I have someone who wouldn't judge me, or be angry with me or offend me, but would only help to give me solutions to all my problems, one at a time. It's hard for me though, but I guess I'll be just fine.
Even in the worst of times, I still have a hope, never mind how small it is, the important thing is that it still exists, and I know that some time in the near future, all this pain will be gone.
Friday, May 28, 2010
TOO MANY PEOPLE
Sometimes, like today , I just wonder about the fact that there are so many people in this world. So many different cultures, ways of life, belief, etc. And we all came from one man, Adam. How can people who started from the same family have ended up so different, not only in looks but in patterns of thought and standards of morality.
I watched a movie the other day and this man was talking freely with his about 6yr old son about sex, and I don't mean sex education.
There are so may differences!
Well that's just what I needed!
I don't have to be the same as my mother, or do the things she does, the way she does!
I want to be or let me say I already am one of the many billion people in the world who believes differently and acts differently and its okay.
Well I'm not always to sure of that.
I am a strong believer in individuality, but I can't helo but think there are some individual ways of life that may not just be according to the will of God. How do you know the will of God.
It's a question I once knew the answer to, I pray I discover it again.
I watched a movie the other day and this man was talking freely with his about 6yr old son about sex, and I don't mean sex education.
There are so may differences!
Well that's just what I needed!
I don't have to be the same as my mother, or do the things she does, the way she does!
I want to be or let me say I already am one of the many billion people in the world who believes differently and acts differently and its okay.
Well I'm not always to sure of that.
I am a strong believer in individuality, but I can't helo but think there are some individual ways of life that may not just be according to the will of God. How do you know the will of God.
It's a question I once knew the answer to, I pray I discover it again.
Friday, May 7, 2010
HURRAY I PASSED!!!
Yeah, isn't that great, I passed my exxam, with good grades too!
Yesterday, I honestly wasn't sure what to expect. I was feeling so left out among my classmates. That's because I now almost all of them have no idea how it feels to be expecting to pass only to realize your name isn't on the exam result list (in other words you failed the exam) Well it's happened to me twice. Not a good experience.
So when this year I was having so much trouble, I knew I probably wouldn't make it. At least it was a possibility. I had subconsciously prepared myself for the worst. But thank God I didn't have to go through that experience.
I don't want to say I didn't trust God, because somewhere inside me I was really afraid. But the funny thing is I kept saying I trusted him even though I didn't really feel it.
With all the difficulties I was going through, finding it difficult to study and even to remember what I had studied, I had been praying that God would give me just a pass (which is 50.0% here in medschool)But apparently I was in the 60's. Isn't that great.
I'm really greatful to God for everything though. I don't exactly know how I feel though.
I don't feel relieved as it a part of me expected to pass. I just feel numb... and greatful. For the first time in a while I am not burdened with the pain of having to go through this again, and can safe;y without tears call home and tell them my exam results. The accusations from the ones you love when you fail in an exam are the most hurful things in the world.
I just thank God for everything!
But I'll keep a promise I made to him, to be there for those who weren't as fortunate to have totally good news. To help them to study and pass in the re-sit.
God is truly Good...
Yesterday, I honestly wasn't sure what to expect. I was feeling so left out among my classmates. That's because I now almost all of them have no idea how it feels to be expecting to pass only to realize your name isn't on the exam result list (in other words you failed the exam) Well it's happened to me twice. Not a good experience.
So when this year I was having so much trouble, I knew I probably wouldn't make it. At least it was a possibility. I had subconsciously prepared myself for the worst. But thank God I didn't have to go through that experience.
I don't want to say I didn't trust God, because somewhere inside me I was really afraid. But the funny thing is I kept saying I trusted him even though I didn't really feel it.
With all the difficulties I was going through, finding it difficult to study and even to remember what I had studied, I had been praying that God would give me just a pass (which is 50.0% here in medschool)But apparently I was in the 60's. Isn't that great.
I'm really greatful to God for everything though. I don't exactly know how I feel though.
I don't feel relieved as it a part of me expected to pass. I just feel numb... and greatful. For the first time in a while I am not burdened with the pain of having to go through this again, and can safe;y without tears call home and tell them my exam results. The accusations from the ones you love when you fail in an exam are the most hurful things in the world.
I just thank God for everything!
But I'll keep a promise I made to him, to be there for those who weren't as fortunate to have totally good news. To help them to study and pass in the re-sit.
God is truly Good...
Thursday, May 6, 2010
THERE IS TOO MUCH CRAP IN THE WORLD!
Really there is. It's now so difficult to find a decent movie to watch. I mean one without nudity portraying the view that premarital sex, promiscuity and smoking pot is normal and socially accepted. I watched three movies yesterday, (Actually about 2 and a third) I fell asleep in the third movie.
My point, there is now almost no movie that respects and honours virginity and purity. If you don't do it often, then you're a prude? Where did that come from?
I mean, since when did having sex become a primary need of of the human race. Well to some extent for procreation, yes it is needed or else we'd go extinct. But seriously, for an individual, why does it have to be a must for you to do it at least once a month. That's the new healthy! Since when?
I'd like to say, it has not been scientifically proven that it is in fact that important. Eating, drinking and breathing are important. Having a social life ( a healthy one that is)with friends and family are important for a healthy and fulfilled life. But sex, isn't. It's only healthy in a marriage. No Where Else!
That's the only place where the once a month rule thing works. But your physical body isn't what needs it, it's actually an emotional thing.
It just sucks now that the beauty in that union of a man and his wife is lost and now what is glamorous is when it's outside marriage and the person doesn't have to live with you. Come on, now adultery is fun and exciting.
All I have to say is BEWARE WHAT THIS WORLD PUTS FORWARD AS FUN AND EXCITING. They are usually all lies and have bad consequences, both physically and psychologically (emotionally). But really all these things do are mess with your head because deep inside you always know that although it feels good when you're doing it, it feels wrong after you've done it.
THINK ABOUT IT
My point, there is now almost no movie that respects and honours virginity and purity. If you don't do it often, then you're a prude? Where did that come from?
I mean, since when did having sex become a primary need of of the human race. Well to some extent for procreation, yes it is needed or else we'd go extinct. But seriously, for an individual, why does it have to be a must for you to do it at least once a month. That's the new healthy! Since when?
I'd like to say, it has not been scientifically proven that it is in fact that important. Eating, drinking and breathing are important. Having a social life ( a healthy one that is)with friends and family are important for a healthy and fulfilled life. But sex, isn't. It's only healthy in a marriage. No Where Else!
That's the only place where the once a month rule thing works. But your physical body isn't what needs it, it's actually an emotional thing.
It just sucks now that the beauty in that union of a man and his wife is lost and now what is glamorous is when it's outside marriage and the person doesn't have to live with you. Come on, now adultery is fun and exciting.
All I have to say is BEWARE WHAT THIS WORLD PUTS FORWARD AS FUN AND EXCITING. They are usually all lies and have bad consequences, both physically and psychologically (emotionally). But really all these things do are mess with your head because deep inside you always know that although it feels good when you're doing it, it feels wrong after you've done it.
THINK ABOUT IT
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